This is my secret journal. No one knows me here. I could be anybody. I could be that girl sitting across from you. I could be your neighbor, your cousin, your best friend, your sister, your mother, your daughter, your wife... I could be you. And maybe I am.
I'm sad. I'm sad a lot. However, maybe like you, most people think I am completely well-adjusted, well-rounded, successful, and happy. The truth is I am often several of those things. I do a good job of being on when I'm not alone. And when I act on I feel on. And that's great. That's one reason I don't like being alone, there's nothing forcing me to be on. When I'm alone I am forced to wallow in my dissatisfaction.
Don't be alarmed, I'm far from suicidal. I know there are starving children in... well there are starving children everywhere. I know there are people without homes, without family, with serious chemical imbalances. I know I've lived a relatively privileged and pampered life. But that doesn't change the fact that I am [enter any reason to be unhappy here i.e.: fat, broke, lonely, tired of struggling, eons from reaching my goals, etc. as I am often any and all of them].
It's not that there's no hope. I'm loosing weight (slowly). I'm doing well in school (after soooo many years hiatus). I know I'll have a ridiculously well-paying job after grad school (in 2012). I know there's someone out there who will love me for me. I know there's hope. That's all there is though. I'm tired of hoping. I'd like to start living.
Thank you in advance but please don't comment telling me to cheer up. Don't tell me it'll get better. Don't tell me everyone goes through this. I've heard it all before. I've said it all before. I'm not here seeking some sort of redemption. I just wanted a secret little place to curl up and cry. My own private catharsis before having to be on again.
But feel free to tell me that when you're sitting at home alone you feel this way too. Misery does, after all, love company.
Love and little lies until next time,
~This Girl
Watch Me Shrink!
Click here to read about my attempt to become half the gal I used to be!
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Sunday
July 1, 2007 Hello World
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6 comments:
I do, in fact, feel that way when I'm sitting at home alone. Sometimes even when I'm not alone. You seem to have more hope than I do though. I must give you praise for that. It's kind of like, I know there's light at the end of this tunnel but shit, when am I going to get there. I wish you the best of luck getting out of this rut and all those other ruts that the future holds. :)
I can feel lonely surrounded by so many . . . that's when I realize that I have left myself behind. I am learning to be my best friend and it's hard because sometimes I don't like myself. But I also love the whole drama of life . . . I like how you word things. Visit my blog -- let's help each other out, yeah?
Hello. I was checking out the Share you blog discussion thread and I came across your post and you touch on a topic that I can relate to. The empty feeling of loneliness can be quite crushing at times and I have been through the motions many times since I was in my teens till now. For no reason, I can just be feeling blue and lonely for days even when I'm surrounded by people, friends and family. What I really hate about this experience is the feeling of emptiness. And then like waves, it subsided and I'm feeling ok again until the next waves comes in. It's hard to describe and you're right in that no amount of cheers can brighten the mood when you're in the moment. It's depressing for others and for me too. But on the positive side, I try to get out there, meet people and get myself involve in the things that I like doing but don't have the courage to do before because I'm such an introvert. I know there's still hope for me and for others going through similar situation. :)
Hey! Some bastard switched out my light at the end of the tunnel!....
Hope it's only the bulb gone......
Then again, did I pay the bill????
;)
Do whatever you want to do. That's the key. I'm not going to tell you to cheer up, but I will tell you what you need to hear.
Live your life by doing what you want to do, even if it's not responsible and could have severe consequences. You don't want to be old and say to yourself, "I wish I could have." I know I sure as hell don't.
Live. Just live, and worry later.
-undercut
Ah, but I did that in my early 20's Undercut. I live life without regret and I pretty much make sure I never miss out on an opportunity. I've travelled the world several times and lived quite a full and exciting life, if I do say so myself. That's part of the problem. I'm bored. I've done all the fun and exciting things I could ever dream of. Now I just want to settle down and live a normal life. Marriage, kids, the whole nine. That's my mission now.
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