April 25, 2008 Listen and Be Listened To

This semester, I've been enrolled in a communication course called Listening. I have learned, well, I've learned many things.

"People listen through one of four primary styles, including people oriented, time oriented, action oriented and content oriented. Females are more likely to be people-oriented and males are more likely to be action, content, or time oriented (Barker & Watson, 2000 http://www.listen.org/Templates/fact_conpetence.htm)."

"Being listened to is so close to being loved you can barely tell the difference."-- Dr. R. Bommelje

I am people oriented. TGG is both action and content orientation. Tuesday was our first session of couples counseling. It's certainly proactive counseling, we're not in a bad place right now. I just don't think either of us really knows how to communicate in a relationship so we're being proactive.

I have insecurities that prevent me from voicing concerns and he has never been very in touch with his emotions. In fact, he called himself an emotional camel! However, he is convinced that the counseling was more for me and my insecurities than it was for us as he didn't think we had any relationship problem or that he had any emotional problem. Being Action-Oriented, he views counseling as time consuming and ineffective.

Once it became clear that he wasn't entirely comfortable in the situation, I realized that I needed to be concise in my statements, organized in my thoughts, and not stress the emotional aspects in order to help him acclimate. He eventually opened up and is looking forward to the next session. I'm just not exactly sure how long it's going to take for us to become effective communicators.

Basically, TGG was an overweight wallflower all throughout school. He got into computers around age 10 and just sat in the back of the class alone. Once he had a computer at home, he pretty much just walled up inside his room, locking the world out. He connected with the computer because he didn't have friends to connect with. The computer is his best friend, it understands him, it knows him like no one else does. The computer will never turn on him, betray him, or make fun of him. No matter what happens, the computer will never leave him alone. If there was a physical representation of ones emotional need that could only be filled with human contact or concealed with a thick protective armor - TGG has spent his entire life thickening that armor... becoming an emotional camel.

So when the DR. asked him questions like why he was a wallflower or why he didn't have friends or why didn't he ever approach a girl or how it felt to not communicate as a family growing up... he would laugh. Now, he said he laughed because it felt like he was on some reality TV show, but I think it's pretty clear that he was uncomfortable and was laughing as a defense mechanism.

And, really, the whole problem is his defense mechanisms. He is used to sitting all alone for endless hours, playing video games, reading, or painting. He doesn't have a need to spend time away from those things and experience human contact (well, except for sex of course). He doesn't know how to carry on an intense conversation (about something other than science fiction) if it's not through an electronic medium.

Thus the problem is that TGG doesn't feel that there is anything wrong with the way he's been living. He doesn't understand that his lifestyle is not just unusual, but actually unhealthy. He's gotten along just fine as an emotional camel and, if it ain't broke - don't fix it.

The counselor helped us to identify the two areas we need to work on together. I have insecurities which cause me to be anxious and fear the repercussions of expressing myself. That's what I need to work on. I also, like most people, need emotional interaction and validation. As TGG is not accustomed to such things but wants us to have a happy relationship, that is something he needs to work on. He's willing to try to be more expressive and that is great, but I'm not sure that he'll be able to really communicate until he understands why he is the way he is and breaks down that armor!

He's glad we went because he realizes we will have better communication after this. However, he thinks one more session should do it for us. Hah! I can't wait to see what happens next!