October 11, 2007 From Bad to Worse - I Did, In Fact, Cry

When I shut down the computer BFF told his girlfriend to hang on and put his phone on mute. He apologized and said he hadn't intended to be on the phone for a half hour. I said it wasn't a problem as I was going to sleep. As I walked to the kitchen to put my glass in the sink he asked what was wrong. I hit in the kitchen for a moment while replying, "Nothing." He didn't believe me and we went back and forth for a minute before I walked into his room saying I was just tired.

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A few minutes later as I was on the verge of tears, he came into the room and asked again what was wrong. He layed next to me and I turned to face the other direction saying I was just tired. Back and forth we went. He said he knew why his girl friend was angry at him, he wanted to know why his best friend was. What did he do wrong? Why was he in trouble. I just kept saying, "Nothing, I'm just sleepy." He nudged me repeatedly, threatened to tickle me - while this was not an idle threat, as soon as he started I barked "Stop!" and he did. Finally he said OK, he was going to the living room to work.

I cried until I fell asleep, waking an hour later with a head ache. I found him in the living room with a blanket, working with his lap top. On my request, he brought me aspirin and, without prodding, brought me a glass of water to wash it down with. I noticed that he was chatting with someone but I didn't ask, at least, not for a half hour or so. He said it was one of the guys from back home.

Little was said. I'm fairly certain he knows why I am upset but doesn't know how to react. I know he wants me as much as I want him but he's afraid. I know I could easily force him into a realtionship but that's not what I want. I'm already in control in our friendship and I know he needs to be in control in his relationships and he thinks he can't be with me. So if I were to take control, sure he'd be relieved, but he'd also feel trapped.

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Goodness, he's a huge fan of Old Blue Eyes and he just tuned us in to "The Tender Trap." Frank sings, "You fell in love and love is the tender trap." How long do you think I can sit here before I start bawling again?

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"I think I have to break up with The Good Guy," I offer. He says I can't do that without first telling him how I feel. BFF thinks I want to break up with The Good Guy because he doesn't pay enough attention to me. I explain that I just don't see it working out. I guess that's not really an explanation. I don't see it working out because I am in love with someone else, but I can't tell BFF that, at least not now.

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He doesn't actually seem to be doing much work. A lot of chatting, but not much work, not that I can see from across the room. He occasionally pauses the movie to interject that I need to tell The Good Guy what's going on and I offer little response.

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He has paused the movie to ask "What's on your mind?" "Nothing" I reply. "I am going to throw something soft at you" he counters before stepping into the kitchen for a moment. He pauses a few feet away from me as I am typing this. Can he read the title of my secret blog from there? I certainly hope not.

OK. That sounded like a belch but it was my acid reflux acting up so I say "Ow!" He knows this and says "Awww."

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Liquor. He has mixed up quite the concoction of Bailey's, Sambouca, Kahlua, Godiva, and who knows what else. It's yummy but it burns.

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BFF: (He pauses the movie again.) Whatcha doing?
Me: Blogging.
BFF: Your super, secret, hidden blog?
Me: Uh huh.
BFF: Whatcha blogging about?
Me: Stuff.
BFF: What kinda stuff?
Me: Stuff in my life.
BFF: What stuff in your life?
Me: Stuff.
BFF: Well if I can't read it you have to tell me about it.
Me: Nu-uh.
BFF: Uh huh.
Me: Nu-uh.
BFF: Oh come on. I need to know what's going on in your life. I never see you.
Me: You're looking right at me.
BFF: (Puts pillow in front of his face.) I don't see you.
Me: (No reply.)

He either thinks I am writing about The Good Guy or about him. I am inclined to think he thinks I am writing about him but he is too insecure to ask, just in case I am not. I am 99% sure that he wants something to magically happen with us but I am sure as heck not going to be the one who instigates it.

BFF: Did I ever tell you that [another friend of ours to potentially be named later] has a thing for girls of your ethnic background?
Me: Why are you telling me that?
BFF: Because I just remembered that [another friend of ours] has a thing for girls of your ethnic background.
Me: But I don't want to like [another friend of ours].

What? What? What? I'm going to sleep.