October 10, 2007 I Think I'm Going to Cry

So I'm sitting on BFFs couch, very upset about The Good Guy, even crankier because BFFs on the phone with his bizarro g/f being all lovey dovey.

I am trying to figure out what's going on in my head. The Good Guy told me he'd been with just one woman before me - and just once, to boot. However, he is extremely nervous when it comes time to do the deed and is, therefore, afflicted with a severe case of performance anxiety. I'm not exactly sure how much longer I can continue this relationship without satisfaction.

I feel helpless. I want to make it better but there's absolutely nothing I can do that won't put more pressure on him. In addition to that, he is not very affectionate towards me in front of his friends. They hang out in the same place every Wednesday and I have started joining them. Last week we sat next to each other and played handsies under the table. Tonight I arrived after he and his friends did. He was sitting between two people which meant I could not sit next to him. The only reason I go is to see him and, as he doesn't even kiss me in front of his friends for whatever reason, there seemed no good reason for me to be there. Except, perhaps, general socialization - but you know what I mean.

I'm worried that I really am not all that interested in The Good Guy after all. I can't figure out my own emotions. Unfortunately, with his little problem, I feel like breaking up with him would do him a great disservice. I don't want to be responsible for that.

Then there's whatever is brewing between BFF and I. Every time I convince myself that I can not and do not have an interest in him, I fall back in. And this whole sharing a bed thing is really not helping anyone. Originally, when we had sleep overs he would always sleep on the couch because he was afraid something would happen if we slept in the same bed. Then one night we were so sleepy that we shared a bed... with separate blankets... each of us on either end of the bed. Eventually, though, we got closer and closer until, somehow last night at my place, we ended up sharing a blanket and practically cuddling. And tonight I find myself sitting on his couch, quickly approaching midnight.

Well, that lovey dovey conversation he was having with his g/f has since turned into an argument about how she won't participate in a certain sexual activity. Why do I have to listen to this? I have half a mind to just get up and leave except he'd be baffled and conflicted because if he tried to stop me and figure out what was going on he'd have to tell his g/f that I'm here and then their argument would get even worse because she hates me.

And rightly so because, apparently, I want her man.

I think I'm gonna cry. Perhaps I'll just go in his room and cry myself to sleep. Yes, that's a good plan.

Night night.

~This Girl