September 30, 2007 Boys

My oh my, where to begin. Well, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I've got this new best friend - let's call him BFF (Best Friends Forever!). Mr. Hangout is not an issue. We are buds, but there is no potential for anything more. Mr. Hookup, however, has turned out to be quite the prospect. In light of these new developments, let's give Mr. Hookup a new name, shall we? How about... The Good Guy.

Now, just because Mr. Hangout is out of the picture, don't assume that everything is fine and dandy in dating land. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Turns out this crush I used to have on my BFF (yes, I know, I never told you - I thought it was in the past), well it turns out he is a lot harder to get over then I thought. You see, he and I decided a few months ago that we couldn't possibly become an item because we have a great deal of work to do together this year. That's when this wonderful friendship began to bloom. We have become, for all intensive means and purposes, a married couple that rely on each other for everything, finish each others sentences, and fulfill each others every need - except when it comes to physical needs. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I've got a crush on him, I'm making our relationship out to be more than it is, it's completely one-sided and he doesn't return the feelings. If you're thinking that, you are wrong. Here's a conversation that took place a couple of weeks ago while he was driving us to go meet some friends for a drink:

Me: How was work?
BFF: Good. How was school?
Me: Good. Why is your friend texting me?
BFF: I invited him to hang out tonight.
Me: But why is he texting me?
BFF: I guess he assumes if I'm gonna be there, you're gonna be there.
Me: Of course he does.
BFF: Are you sure we're not married?

Believe me, we've discussed it. He, for some time, was quite convinced that we'd end up together in a year or two, after we've accomplished all that we've set out to do. That was, of course, until BFF and I hosted a Labor Day BBQ to which he invited his friend, The Good Guy. That's right, The Good Guy is BFFs friend.

Keep in mind that BFF and I had a conversation, literally days before I met The Good Guy, where I told BFF we should just be together and deal with whatever happened and he is the one who said he couldn't bear it if things went bad and we couldn't be friends anymore. He said he needed me too much. He is the one who has been pushing for The Good Guy and I to make this happen. But he is the one who is terribly uncomfortable when the three of us are hanging out together. He pointed out that we ought to curtail our physical affections when we are around The Good Guy so as not to make him uncomfortable. However, he is the one who fails to do so causing me an immense amount of anxiety!

I just don't know what to do. I feel like BFF and I have the relationship I desperately need whereas The Good Guy is who I really want it from. But you can't just snap your fingers and instantly be comfortable with someone. The Good Guy and I are still in that nervous stage. I feel like a teenager on my first date whenever we are together. He is such a wonderful man. He is sincere, genuine, gentle, caring, and responsible. Unfortunately, the two of us are so busy that we have great difficulty finding time to see each other. We're lucky to find one night a week to spend with each other. So it's been a month and we've been out exactly four times (including the night we met). We have a great deal in common, more than he knows. He's a computer guy, role playing games and all. I've tried to mention how much of that history we actually share but I can tell he is still uncomfortable about his geekiness. He doesn't realize how endearing I find those qualities to be. His social inexperience combined with his inexperience in the bedroom obviously leaves him cautious. Though I may have many notches on my headboard, I, too, am inexperienced at love. I am still not comfortable in my own body and even less comfortable with my emotions.

I have a strict policy when it comes to sex. I might give it up for a stranger if I'm sure I'll never see him again but if it's someone I know, especially if it's someone I want to know better, I won't have sex until we are comfortable with each other. I am watching one of my favourite soaps and a girl just said "I tend to fall in love with the men I sleep with." Ain't that the truth sister. If I have sex with someone I care about, I'll fall in love in an instant. If I have sex with someone I don't care about, I can't stand to face them again. I don't want to have sex with The Good Guy until I care about him but, my goodness, for someone lacking experience he sure knows how to push my buttons. Talk about a quick study. I'm finding it harder and harder to resist him (no pun intended). He's simply trying to make me happy, completely no pressure to go any further, but all he is serving to do is drive me wild! If only we could spend more time together, we'd get closer faster and I could get some serious satisfaction... if only.

So here's the real problem. I spend nearly every waking moment with BFF and we are getting closer and closer. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, I'd be 100% in love with him were we to attempt a break from each other. We text message each other when we're out on dates with other people! But I can't help thinking distance is the only thing that can cure us right now. I'm certain that, had I not met The Good Guy, I'd have jumped BFF already. It's like something has been set in motion and I can not stop it. And now I must keep reminding myself that The Good Guy would be positively devastated if I were to not only end it with him, but leave him for BFF of all people.

I said The Good Guy is who I want the relationship from. Is that true? I don't know. I know I want it from BFF but The Good Guy is who I ought to get it from. Am I only dating The Good Guy because I can't be with BFF? If I'm wondering this now, how can I continue to see The Good Guy?

A good friend of mine, actually, someone I've mentioned in the past, said this entire situation reminded him of Sex & The City. He said I'm Carrie, The Good Guy is Aidan, and BFF is Big. (If only he knew about this secret journal!) So he asked if I remember how that worked out. Yes, yes I do. Thanks dude. A bottle of wine later, I relayed that bit of information to BFF (via text - cuz that's what we do).

Me: Just drank a bottle of wine and sitting here thinking, thinking, thinking... really inappropriate things.
BFF: You have a boyfriend now.
Me: A) He's still not my boyfriend & 2) That's why it's inappropriate & D) What if these thoughts never go away?
BFF: I don't see why you thinking about The Good Guy is inappropriate.
Me: Not The Good Guy, Mr. Dense
Me: My friend just told me that I'm Carrie, The Good Guy is Aidan, & you're Big. Guess I should go to sleep before I say something stupid.

That was the end of that. The next afternoon he texted me as if the previous drunken ramblings had never occurred. Thank goodness for that. Alas, he knows me too well.

~This Girl